>Architext is an exciting new media navigation company. We're
>developing a service designed to give users powerful ways to search
>and browse the content available over the internet.
>We're calling our service Bullseye!, and we'd like to include your
>mailing list(s) in the content that we index and archive. Other
>content will include web pages, newsgroups and thousands of editorial
>reviews. Basic searching and browsing will be free for all users; we
>also plan to offer profiling services for a nominal fee.
>Would it be acceptable for Architext to subscribe to your list(s) as a
>regular user and to keep archives of the list(s) content? This content
>will always be freely searchable by any user of the internet.
>In exchange for your permission to index your list(s), we'd like to
>offer you profiling services free of charge for one year. That way you
>will be notified about new web pages and news articles that match your
>profile. So you can stay abreast of new developments and make sure you
>have the most current information available as it comes out. Don't be
>the last on your block to get profiling from Bullseye!
>Architext was recently voted one of the top 25 cool technology
>companies by Fortune magazine (July 10 issue) and was featured on the
>cover of this March's Red Herring magazine. For more information on
>Architext, check out http://www.atext.com.
>Bullseye! will be opening soon (around August 15) and we hope that we
>can include your list(s) in this exciting service.
>If you agree to allow us to archive your list(s), please add us as the
>user list @
com (non-digest form, please). And drop us a line
>telling us which list(s) you've subscribed us to.
>Thanks for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Archietext is an exciting new information scam company. It gives us
hard-ons just thinking about how cool and idea this is. What we're doing is
fishing around to see if we can throw up enough buzzwords to convince a few
hundred thousand hapless suckers to fork over a few bucks apiece and send
us their own list-content for free so we can sell it back to them. Cool,
huh?! All _we_ have to do is archive lots of stuff, stamp it with our
company name, maybe format the data a bit for some kludgey command-line
text searches and we're in bidness. Nothing to it.
We're calling our service Bullsh*t!, and we'd like to scavenge your mailing
list(s) for all the content that we'll have to index and archive so we can
pretend that we came up with. Other sources of content will include
people's personal web pages, whole batches of newsgroups that we discovered
we can copy off MIT's servers and thousands of editorial reviews that we
think we can snatch and grab without anyone much noticing until we have so
much money to pay a team of shark-lawyers that it won't matter anyway -
they can sue our "corporation" until they're blue in the face. Searching
and browsing on their own names and email addresses will be free at first
for all users, but we also (and here's the kicker that convinced our Mom's
to invest and buy us a couple of Suns) we also plan to scrounge around on
the net for a zillion email addresses that we will then "organize" and
resell to marketers who are still sitting on the fence about whether to
give us pots of money to "connect them to the information super-railroad."
Man, we get the greatest ideas getting stoned down in the garage, I tellya.
Fortunately, we wrote this one down!
So, uh, would it be acceptable for Archietext to copy all your list-files
and keep archives of the list(s) content? The headers of the content will
always be freely (and by that we mean that you'll still have "free will" in
the Existentialist sense) searchable by any user on the Internet (for a
nominal fee, of course).
In exchange for your permission to index your list(s), we'd like to offer
you some shiny beads and trinkets and the option to be a voyeur of other
people's data free of connection charges for one year (we'll still find a
way to charge you something by cooking up some "premium" services that take
us almost no time to diddle up with a PERL script). After that, we'll
charge rediculous amounts just to regurgitate your own data back to you and
everyone else, but we have to get this thing rolling first so we can pay
our Moms back for the machines and the frame relay line to our bedrooms.
We'll even pretend to notify about new web pages we find on Yahoo's index
while surfing on our new 384 f*ckin' megabit (cool! bet you don't have one
of THOSE in your bedroom!) line late at night. Oh yeah, and we'll
occasionally dredge up some free wire service articles from Eastern Europe
(where they can't do sh*t about us legally) that match your profile in our
flatfile database, but only if it doesn't take us too long, because we'll
be cutting and pasting a lot. We'll dump an impressive enough pile of K's
on your disk every day so it looks like you're actually getting something
valuable in case any accountants at your office actually bother to check.
Then, you can regurgitate all this crap back to your boss or your friends
or whoever and it'll make you look really "computer savvy," because as you
know, none of them really have a f*ckin' CLUE about any of this "computer"
stuff anyway, right? Hell, you might even get a _promotion_ (but if you
don't, don't come whining to _us_, 'cuz we'll be on the next plane to
Bermuda with your money)! Don't be the last bozo on your block to pretend
s/he's a super-cool "InfoNaut" by sucking data like a parasite from
Bullsh*t! and spooing it out to your friends after you strip our headers
off (hey, we don't give a damn, after all - turnabout _is_ fair play,
Archietext recently managed to bribe a big magazine - one that a bunch of
Sales & Marketing Weasels with big honkin' expense accounts leave lying
around open on their desks to impress their visitors - to give us a
high-profile phoney-baloney award with an impressive-sounding name. We cut
them in on the deal, see (but don't tell anyone!). Would you believe they
actually arm-twisted one of their artists to texturemap our logo onto a
geometric primitive way in the back of a recent cover image? It was rotated
in perspective so you can hardly tell what it is, but what the hell - now
we can use _their_ logos in _our_ promo stuff. Looks really good on our
resumes too, in case this whole thing falls flat and we have to get a real
job to pay our Moms back. If you need convincing that we can format HTML
documents (hey, two of us _did_ get CS degrees!) check out our Web page at:
Bullsh*t! will be opening as soon as we can clean up our rooms and figure
out how to hook these big-ass hard drives up to our new Suns (we figure by
August 15 we can bamboozle enough fools to start it up convincingly) and we
hope that we can soon start digitally ravaging your list(s) with our
exciting scam. Listen: you won't feel a thing, we _promise_. By the time
you realize you could get all this stuff for nothing by yourself if you
just read a few manuals and readme's like we did, it'll be too late, but
c'mon... it'll be fun!
If you agree to sell us your list (and all the names on it, but let's not
make too much of that until after you sign), please sneak us in as the user
com" so none of your users notice us. Make sure we're set to
CONCEAL and that we get everything in non-digest form so we don't spill a
drop of your blood. Speaking of "drops," drop us a line telling us which
list(s) you've subscribed us to, because we're too lazy to actually keep
track of this stuff ourselves. Besides, we're busy reading this really cool
Tony Robbins book and trying to work up the nerve to walk on hot coals next
Thanks for buying this line of crap like the sucker you really are, and...
uh-oh, Mom's calling us down to dinner, so we'd better go now...
Bullsh*t! Technical Guy
(OK, so I _was_ an Art major, f*ck you anyway - YOU didn't think of this!)